My bumps

B.F Skinner believed everything we do and are is shaped by our experience of punishment and reward.

I read my last blogspot blog entry and feel the need, desire and drive to re-visit those thoughts yet again. I am perplexed with my life right now. I wake up every morning evaluating my life. Is my life this or that, do I need this or want that. I feel that I haven't completely stood back up from being knocked down a few months ago. My energy doesn't last for long. I succeed with the basic needs to get by right now. This week I've somewhat I've come face to face with my life or at least words have been heavily expressed about it. Again this moving out my apartment, not having my own bed to lay down to, going through a few jobs and landing at my current place of employment. (Btw..that I enjoy for the most and find challenging, just enough to keep me interested and wanting to grasp my line of work) was not something I asked god to bring upon me or hoped to come true. I don't want people to judge me, look at me differently. I simply need support from those I choose to be around and want to be around which is few and far between these days. Support of holding my hand, i dont need, dont want handouts from anyone. I don't need anyone to solve my problems or pull me back up and get me off the bump without my energy and effort. I want to stand up and be happy fully and entirely but as life goes I don't expect it to happen magicly overnight. I've had a few tears stream down my eyes this week about my life's course and the bump i've hit, sure I've had other bumps in my road before..that maybe weren't as evident or visible to others..it wasn't a bump publicized for all to hear or see..this current bump is evident if you are with me often. I got myself here and am facing it with my eyes wide open and for me to fully grasp and understand as this experience is with me daily, I dont want to punish myself and get down on myself.

I choose running and working out as my red bull. I don't let myself get too down and out where once a bud light would do me well and cure the pain for a moments time. I choose to face my life. I am slowly but surely getting over that bump in the road and finding the happy me and working on bettering what is around me on daily basis.

I hope to not find myself on this bump again as I am sure there will be many more bumps in my road that make me stronger in the end. This experience will forever be engraved in my heart as those months that brought me down and I hope in the end to reward myself with jumping off this bump, running down the good road of life screaming, ok we all know im not that outgoing to scream with joy. *lol* I want to SMILE and feel good inside :)