meskwaki time

Jayda and I getting ready to head to the BBQ! She is just growing up on me with her beautiful self, a mini-me of my sister. it was good to be able to relax and hang out with Jayda, my sis and vic this weekend in Iowa.



victor! he's our baby, such a cuddler, and will rub your back with no questions attached. Got my fill of hugs from him this weekend and the cutest minnie mouse as he said the baby needs one. She does :)!



Such a pretty cake! Always been a fan of winnie the pooh. I was blessed with cupcakes turned honey pot and this pretty cake from my cousin barb and her girls!! Only had a bite as I was sooo full by the time it was cake time.

My wkd trip to iowa was amazing. Wouldn't have changed one thing. Hanging with my family, uncle, aunties, koko's, nieces and nephews and endless HUGS to go around. Got to love family. They keep us connected. Oh yeah a new tribal ID, with my head being squished looking like spongebob somehow...lol.

Took a tour of the elementary. VERY NICE! Makes me miss being in the classroom surrounded by curious minds and avid learners. Didn't win big at the casino but there's always next time but of coure my toes look straight!! Got my sister and I a pedicure at the salon. so fresh and so pretty :)! I am tooo addicted to pedicures.

Simple touch

I hope the picture shows up. I just like this picture. The movement of my baby moving isn't apparent, just imagine, that simple touch that makes my world :) I love laying down at night and just rubbing the belly, (fyi normally there would be no rubbing on the chubbums) but for the time it's a feeling I appreciate daily!!!

In less than 3 months there will be a newborn next to me.....she'll have a ina and an ate who will give their love more than they've given before...

Work. Walk. Eat

Another weekend past me by. The previous weekend was filled with sharing news, strolling the streets of NYC and engaging in comical conversations with two gals across 4 states. This weekend has been filled with my never ending thoughts about the direction my life has taken and will continue to take and streaming Netflix as I activated my membership again. Been on an independent kick. I added Fraggle Rock and An American Tail to my queue.

I need to start planning the direction my life is going to take. It will be exciting, full of stress I'm sure but again the joy and excitement will hopefully balance and overtake the stress and anxiety thats been with me for the past few months. Accepting something I thought would never be, yet I seriously know everything happens for a reason.

Work. Walk. Eat.

Walk. Eat. Work

Eat. Work. Walk.

My happiness lately has come down to where. Where will my happiness take me. Where will it be. Where will it settle. I know it won't be here in DC. I've been lonely lately and feel like I have more conversations with my silent thoughts than I do with my others. Sometimes I want to reach out but I already fret I will know the answers that will come from those I speak with and simply want to vent and not seek an answer.

I also feel like the answer I give everyone lately is a "I don't know" maybe that to is why I'm avoiding certain conversations. I don't have answers to their questions and maybe they are looking for more or hoping I will say something specific. I have never felt less like me than I do right now.

At least the Cherry Blossoms and the Freer Museum brought me temporary happiness and let my thoughts engage in something new. Decoding Egyptian Hieroglyphs.

Well its back to...Walk. Eat. Work. not always in any specific order...

DC

HA! I probably shouldn't be doing this at work, but the site let me in :)! sweet. I learned a new term this week. Thanks to the New York Times and posting an article about gangs on the Pine Ridge Reservation. "Commod Squadding" W.T.H! really people, youth, so-called gangsta boys and girls who think they've seen the rough side of life, carrying weapons, their weapon of choice, a can of beef, applecause or fruit cocktail to throw at members of other gangs. Wow. Gangsta has come to a whole new light. Interesting. Sad. Depressing.

DC, different life and new surroundings are with me these days. It'll will be a month in a few days of my new life here in DC. Still settling, still adjusting to my cubicle, learning the in's and out's of grants. Exciting times for my friend Melissa B and I! Two Melissa B's, aww the curve balls life has thrown our way keep us laughing. It's nice seeing her mature and always being the humble person I've known since our freshman year at the University of Minnesota.

Had my first moment of loneliness lastnite. I knew this day would come, but last nite I realize I'm in this change alone for the most. I have friends and family who support me for the most and who are happy for me, and sooo thankful for Melissa B, yet somehow loneliness overtook my heart and soul lastnite. It's hard to realize in a month or so I will be happily in my own apt, yet come home to just me. I have always realize I need to take care of me, especially lately and took this change to do that. I just want someone to be there every now and then to support me. I was here for Thanksgiving and spent it in good company, will be here for xmas and may venture to my cousins. I'll miss my mom and dad, seeing Micah who probably has mastered the stairs at my moms house by now. too cute.

Having conversations about tribes, youth, languages is motivating and re-assuring that I am in the right job right now. I love being able to see the work of others for their tribe, for the future of their children. To better their land, their people and their culture is what I missed.

I miss him. I miss the city lights. I'll visit soon and hopefully fill my heart with the warmth of the city lights, the touch of his hands and that genuine smile that is engraved in my heart.

Not Ready to Make Nice

I'm not ready to make nice. Not sure I ever will be. They say to express your thoughts, don't let them bottle up inside, shit even I have told myself this in the past and in today's rain. I stare at my journal and contemplate entering the words, I look at my phone and see a caller and let it go to vm. Don't shut the world out. I just know I'm not ready to make nice. Its too fresh, too new, burning, with hurt and pain and doubt and frustration. Maybe it's more of a never think moment i want to occur. Never think. Refrain from questioning why, how, when, what and wait for unanswered questions. I do want to HATE. I don't want to remember, simply erase everything of value, my value, his trash.

times a turning

awww to go and sit under a cherry blossom tree and breathe, simply sit and ponder my life and the current track i am on. To silence my world for ten seconds.

So its been well over three years on my east coast adventure, I have yet to see many parts of the northeast, to see some of the great museums in NYC or walk outside, like right now to enjoy the night moon. Too many damn houses train tracks and noise to enjoy the endless stars that call my eyes.

I've enjoyed the ups and downs I've endured in the past year. Shit to think about it, its been a little over year since my heart has grown, my fears have been lived, my bank account emptied, the thesis remains unwritten, yet I can still say I am able to smile and enjoy many days that i've been given. Now do i make the most of each day, naw not really.

Has it made me stronger. I still get up everyday, I go to a job that I must admit I actually find challenging and appreciate the families I meet and am able to provide resources for in a city I am learning myself.

HOME

In a week I will be preparing my luggage, my clothes, packing my running gear for my trip back HOME! thats whats up! HOME!

I am more than looking forward to
My MOM!!!
My Dad!!
MY Tiospaye!
A yard with a fence and seeing the dogs run freely,
A yard with my nieces and nephews running from the front to the back,
The smell of freshly cut green grass,
gabooboo bread...mmmm...goulash....
taco johns
culvers
breakfast with my fam,
garage sales,
fresh air
evening skies lit up by stars, millions of them,
beers with friends
familiar faces
canyon park

Home is calling me, its been to long.

I plan to relax, run the streets of RC, hang with my family, be the face my mom comes home to after her work day!

I have been removed way to long from what I am, what I know and who I am.

I am ready fam, here I come! (^_^)